Monkey Mae Says

I'm Practicing Being a Celebrity

2010-07-16T16:09:00.004-04:00

Remember when Angelina Jolie won the Oscar for "Girl Interrupted"? She made out with her brother and then jumped into a pool fully dressed?

I'm practicing for when I take home an Academy Award. I'm so close to the end of my Infant Swimming Resource classes that I can just taste it.

Today, I went in fully clothed, even wearing funny white sandals. I felt just like an old man in Boca.

Ooohhhhh!

2010-07-13T08:29:00.002-04:00

So a lot of you have asked why I'm slacking so much on blogging. Thank you for missing me when I'm not here. I miss you, too.

You know that Mommy Chick is my ghostwriter and general assistant. Now that I am crawling, I require her to trail closely behind me, pulling dog food out of my mouth and putting those little safety things in plugs. So there isn't a lot of sitting time.

I have so many fabulous posts in the works, so MC needs to get cracking.

In other news, I've totally helped MC shed the last of her preggo weight. I'm almost 10 months old, so it's about time, huh? Anyway, I'm like her own personal trainer, making her squat and lift me, crawl, run, you get it.

I vow to give her a few minutes daily to transcribe my wisdom for you.

I just spewed boobie milk all over the tile and need MC to clean it.

Happy Tuesday.

Wordless Wednesday: Surprise!

2010-07-07T10:22:00.002-04:00

I'm an Excellent Driver

2010-07-02T10:44:00.001-04:00

"We absolutely are stopping to ask for directions. You've already gotten us lost once. And if you don't stop grabbing the steering wheel, we will never get there!"

Keep Swimming!

2010-07-01T11:34:00.002-04:00

Check me out! I can totally swim!

I'm still opting for my French Riviera swim look, which is cool since I train at a private facility.

My teacher, Miss Glenda, is going on vaycay, so I won't graduate until the week of the 12th. I imagine Miss Glenda will be doing lots of self-esteem building activities on her trip. It must be hard having all your clients cry when they see you.

I try to make her feel better by smiling and laughing at her after I get out of the pool. All I really want to do while in the pool is chillax on a float with a Boobie Colada.

But bossy ole Mommy Chick insists that I be able to swim, just in case I ever sneak away and swan dive into a pool.

Do you like the way I point my Monkey Toes?

Kissing Pigs and Purging Closets

2010-06-30T08:28:00.005-04:00

Why am I sitting on a giant litter box? And why does that dirty water keep getting my piggies? I don't know if I like this whole vacation thing. Sigh.

Mommy Chick and I are back from a mini-beach vaycay. I'm happy to be home with my bad dogs, but I've been quite busy.

It seems that boobie milk is like Miracle Grow. That means I have a whole bunch of couture I can no longer wear. So MC and I are purging my closet to make room for new summer and fall fashion.

My Piglet doll and I are helping with The Great Purge of '10. He and I are BFF.

Please accept my apologies for MC's sub-par camera work. Apparently she is auditioning for the next Blair Witch Project.

Semi-Wordless Wednesday: Bob!

2010-06-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

I'm a Mermaid

2010-06-09T13:45:00.003-04:00

Sorry I've been away for a few days. This is a big week for me. I'm now just like Michael Phelps...if Michael Phelps wore pink swim panties and screamed each time he entered the pool.

Swimming takes a lot of my time. Ten minutes a day to be exact. I'm taking Infant Swimming Resource lessons. So basically, I'm learning how to save myself should I fall into some water.

I think Piglet should take lessons, too. He is a Shih Tzu and inherited MC's unfortunate athletic skills.

I've opted for the European-topless look while swimming. It simplifies my day. Most Americans are so uptight about such things. I'm glad my teacher is cool with my swim attire.

I think I might kind of be like the Wicked Witch of the West. Remember how water made her melt? I think water might be my kryptonite...it's interfering with my super power.

You'll recall my super power is the ability to fight sleep. I find myself napping more this week. I certainly hope that changes, because my staying awake for 14 hours is fun for everyone.

Creepy Bedtime Story

2010-06-03T08:06:00.004-04:00

You'll never believe what happened last night! Mommy Chick read me a story about pigs. One of the pigs went to the grocery store, and I guess it made another pig mad, so he cried like a little baby pig. That's not even the weird part. MC's fingers turned into little pink pigs!

I mean, I've heard of people having sausage fingers. MC used to work for a man who had Vienna Sausages for digits. Or as some of the people from my Nana's hometown would say, "VEYE-eeenie Weenies." I cannot make up this stuff.

So if Jimmy Dean hands are your thing, check out this book. It is $9.35 at Amazon, which is a few bucks less than we paid somewhere else.

Semi-Wordless Wednesday Featuring Oliver the Cat

2010-06-02T08:47:00.002-04:00

I Almost Know Kim Kardashian

2010-06-01T10:11:00.000-04:00

How was your holiday weekend? Mine was riveting. I ate cold noodles and edamame directly off the table at a chain restaurant. Don't worry, Mommy Chick cleaned the table before my feast. I ate some chicken, too. The protein gives my hair a lot of body and luster, or at least that is what MC says.

This is a picture of me with our friend, Fancy. I'm under MC's yellow shirt. This was last summer at Disney World. We were in line for the Toy Story ride. Geez, those Disney people were really picky about what I could ride in-utero. Don't you think MC's pouty face distracts from her 7 1/2 month pregnant belly? I do.

Now, check out what Fancy was doing this weekend while you were busy eating hot dogs on a lawn chair.

Are you jealous? Because I'm totally not. I think eating knock-off PF Changs is just as glamorous as walking the red carpet at the Indy 500. Fancy said Kim is "tiny, gorgeous and sweet," just as we had always suspected.

She also said Kim's butt is pretty much a normal butt. Sometimes I think I look a little like her when my panties are full.

Fancy keeps threatening to start a blog. We hope she does, so we can continue being not jealous of all her celebrity encounters.

"Sex and the City" Inspired Bow

2010-05-28T20:09:00.000-04:00

Have you seen "Sex and the City 2" yet? Neither have we. But we are super excited to see all the fun fashion and ridiculous storylines.

Do you ever poke around on Facebook? Mommy Chick wastes way too much time there. Daddy Dude is not on Facebook because it is "gay." We agree...it is fun, sparkly, well dressed and fabulous. That is what he meant by "gay," right?

Anyway, we saw this fierce bow on Sweet and Chic Bowique's page. It is inspired by "Sex and the City"!

Look closely. Those are shoes on the bow! I need this to highlight my new platinum hair!

The bow is $4.99. I know! A total bargain, right?

Here's how to make it even more of a bargain: Mention "I support our troops" in the note section of your order, and get 10% off anything purchased this weekend.

Sale ends Monday at 11:59 p.m.

Gap Swim Sale!

2010-05-27T12:51:00.001-04:00

Big shout out to Mama at Everyday Mama for alerting us to the $12 swimsuit sale at Baby Gap!

I opted for two looks, each featuring animal print. Insert animal growling sound here.

The first is a one-shoulder giraffe print one piece, regularly $20.

And here is a fabulous zebra print tankini, also regularly $20.

Listen up, baby boys! If you really want to impress your lady friend, sport these sea horse trunks. Did you know male sea horses have babies and then stay home with them while the girl sea horses play golf and drink beer? It's true. So if you wear these, your lady will know that you are really dedicated!

Baby Gap's online sale runs through June 2nd.

Preparing for the Holiday Weekend

2010-05-27T09:28:00.000-04:00

Do you have plans for the big holiday weekend? I'm not sure what is on our agenda. However, I don't want to be caught off guard for any last-minute beach, boat or pool outings. So Mommy Chick and I spray tanned. We really do love Mystic Tan. MC is naturally alabaster, but Mystic makes her a nice shade of ecru.

If you don't have time to stand naked in front of the sprayers, we also really dig Neutrogena MicroMist self tanner. Make sure you get the mist instead of the lotion or spray. We find anything other than the mist streaks. MC buys two shades darker than her natural, translucent color.

We're hitting Macy's today in search of a swimsuit for me. I'm starting swim lessons soon and need to look good while I scream. I'll let you know what we score.

I'm pretty sure I can pull off a bikini. Wish us luck!

Wordless Wednesday: Asleep on the Job

2010-05-26T07:00:00.001-04:00

I've Gone Primal!

2010-05-25T10:53:00.004-04:00

Look! I'm eating roasted chicken. Not only is it yummy, but it makes a nice facial mask.

Mommy Chick is pretty excited because Operation Melt Baby Fat is going very well. This is pretty funny. MC lost all of her Baby Growing weight within the first week I was on Earth. But then, I ate at the boobie buffet 24/7 and it made her insanely hungry. So she gained a bunch of it back. Isn't that crazy?

So we put our heads together and began counting calories. But MC was starving all the time and still didn't lose weight. That's what I call a lose-lose situation. And the supply at the buffet tanked, so no one was happy. And when I'm not happy, we have problems.

MC was all sad, so she started working out with a trainer. He told us to read this blog:

http://www.paleonu.com/get-started/

The gist is you kind of eat like our ancestors did a bunch of years ago. You know, back when they lived in caves instead of condos. I don't really like science, but if you do, you can see all the studies and research that explain the theory.

If you don't feel like reading here is the deal. It all revolves around insulin. Increase in insulin is bad and makes you fat and hungry. And oh yeah, causes disease. Yuck.

1. Don't eat sugar or white flour.

2. Limit grains.

3. Increase fat.

It's super yummy and totally works. MC is closing in on her pre-preg weight, but wants to lose a bit more.

And here's the best part. Since going primal, the supply at the boobie buffet has just about doubled.

And that makes me happy. And when I'm happy, we are all happy.

Breaking News: I Have Hair

2010-05-24T09:22:00.004-04:00

Check it out! I'm rocking a bow WITH NO HEADBAND! The bow is indeed clipped to actual strands of hair. I'm pretty sure I'm a future blond, so I still kind of look bald. But I really am sprouting a nice little mane.

This picture was snapped by the paparazzi at the gay chorus concert this weekend. Mommy Chick and I worked in the lobby pimping a DVD we produced.

I am wearing a custom-made dress, designed for me by one of Daddy Dude's patients. She has a little business and keeps threatening to open an online store, but so far has not. We will let you know as soon as that gets rolling.

MC is wearing, don't judge, a dress from Macy's junior department. She is far from being a "junior" so I was a bit confused. But it totally makes sense...she needed something sassy and trendy, yet didn't want to commit much cash. MC still melting away some pounds, so I agree that investing in something pricey would be silly.

We paid $24.99 for this little dress. Here is a similar one for the same price:

Help Monkey Babies with Blood Cancers

2010-05-21T10:14:00.008-04:00

Happy Friday! Yesterday I celebrated my eight month birthday. Yay me! I use the term "celebrate" lightly, because Mommy Chick and I like to celebrate our love and fabulocity each day, and we think you should, too.

I'm so happy to be healthy and have the energy to play in the park and blog about pretty clothes. I've told you before that I did a short NICU stint when I was born. Pneumonia is for the birds. It was not a good time and MC doesn't like to to talk about it, especially because she wears liquid eyeliner which is not conducive to crying.

Here is a video of me when I was a few days old. I was sucking colostrum off a cotton swab. If you watch it too much, you might melt at how sweet and cute I am. BTW...those are Daddy Dude's hands. MC does not have big furry fingers. That would be gross.

When I was in the hospital, MC and Daddy Dude were so touched by the help and outpouring of love we all received. Our friend, Barbara, was so wonderful to all of us. She came and sat with MC, who was all weepy pants. But even though MC was weepy, she still blew out her hair and wore lip gloss, which is a lot more

than I can say for a nurse who was mean to us. But I digress.

Barbara also did cranial sacral therapy on me, which helped me heal faster. I was only in the pokey for 10 days, and we just can't imagine what it's like for mommies and daddies and babies who have blood cancer.

And now, Barbara is running for the Central Florida Woman of the Year. That's a pretty big title, but we think it is fitting for a few reasons:

*She is a Lymph Drainage Therapist

*She is raising money for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society.

*This money goes toward helping children with blood cancers.

*Every 10 minutes a life is lost to leukemia.

One dollar equals one vote. She needs 5,000 votes, or she will be publicly beheaded. I authorized a nice donation from our family business.

If each one of you gave even a dollar or two, that would be a lot. I'm not really that good at math, but I do know that a least a few hundred people visit me every day. I know that because I'm a Reverse Stalker. I can see you. And I know if you have time to be sitting around reading blogs, you have time to go this website and donate $5.

http://www.myhealthtouch.com/womanoftheyear.html

Seriously, go get a latte and then donate the same amount to help sick monkey babies.

And if you actually do it, maybe I will tell you the story about how Barbara helped MC and DD know what my name was supposed to be.

Here's your tease: I was still in utero.

Janie and Jack: Monkey Paradise

2010-05-20T08:50:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I said it: Monkey Paradise. I do love to shop at Janie and Jack, so I'm very honored they designed a whole collection just for me.

Have you seen it? The down side is that it is part of the layette collection, so you older kids can't get in on the fun.

I wore this little number to Seaworld over the weekend. It's very gauzy and cool, which is a plus for these steamy temps. Also, it's not too obvious. You know what I mean? The monkeys are classy and refined, just chillin' in palm trees. They're not slinging poo like zoo monkeys. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

This is $34.

The Monkey Paradise collection features some cuteness for boys, too. This shirt is $28. I can picture my boyfriends wearing this while smoking a Cuban cigar, except infants probably shouldn't smoke.

They also have some pretty sassy stuff on sale, like this bikini for $23.

And these pineapple swim trunks for $21.99.

My Own Version of "Dancing with the Stars"

2010-05-19T07:00:00.001-04:00

Do you love "Dancing with the Stars"? I think it's fabulous and is one of the reasons I refuse to go to bed early.

I can't decide whether I love Nicole or Evan more. Nicole is from the same town as Mommy Chick, and is clearly the best dancer. But Evan is so funny, and I'm pretty sure he is fa-la-la-fabulous, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

As you may already know, I excel at the River Dance!

Now I've added ballroom to my repertoire.

This was an impromptu performance. Next time I will spray tan and add sequins to my monkey pajamas.

I Met a Dolphin

2010-05-18T09:00:00.002-04:00

And I want him to live in my bathtub. This dolphin especially warms my heart because he posed on cue.

Over the weekend, we went to Seaworld. It's this big, hot place where animals live in pools. You can see by the sweat glistening on both Mommy Chick and me that we really wanted to hop into the pool, too. But MC explained that diving into the dolphin pool would be considered inappropriate and might get us thrown into theme park jail.

I really don't want to go to theme park jail, because we'd probably be in there with people who wear Crocs and style their hair into mullets.

Speaking of hair, you can't see from that picture, but I'm finally starting to get some. I decided to yank my hat off all day, so MC slicked up my 'do with some sunscreen.

Daddy Dude thought I might like to show my luxurious hair to the passers-by on the log flume ride.

Rude. That is MC and DD's friend laughing. Rude.

Now I'm having to undergo special hair treatments to get the reclaimed water funk out of my locks.

Canine Companions

2010-05-17T14:55:00.004-04:00

Remember yesterday when I told you we went to Seaworld? You'll never believe why we went! Mommy Chick, Daddy Dude and I were invited to a very special event: a Canine Companions for Independence Graduation.

If you don't know about CCI, go check out their website. These dogs and their people are so amazing and pretty much make my dogs look extra lazy. And maybe not so smart.

We went to support Talullah Belle, a black lab. She and her trainer, Peggy, are patients of DD. I personally think Talullah Mae has a nice ring to it.

Isn't she beautiful? I love her and just know she will make an amazing companion for a very lucky person!

I love this video of Tallulah Belle Mae, with the exception of MC droning on and on about mastitis in the background. We get it, MC, you were sick. It wasn't a picnic for any of us, believe me. But let's all move on, OK?

We have more important things to talk about, like my hair. Do you love it? I'm still growing it out some, but am pleased with its sunny blond hue.

I still think a sweepy bang might look nice.

What do you think?

I'm Just Like Barbara Walters

2010-05-17T12:14:00.004-04:00

Wow, I've been away a long time. I told you Mommy Chick is recovering from mastitis. It's pretty much like having the Devil in Your Boobies, but maybe even a bit worse. She finally is up and moving again, which is good. I really haven't authorized much sick time for her, so to have her use up almost two weeks is not good for the bottom line.

MC and I are on the Board of Directors for our local gay chorus. MC is a really bad singer, so she mainly helps with public relations and media stuff.

Our big project lately has been producing a DVD to celebrate their 20th Anniversary Season. So I've gotten to interview a lot of people, help shoot video and help edit.

This is what happened when we went to interview the publisher of a newspaper. If you are aspiring to be a journalist, keep in mind that it is very professional to take a baby to your interviews. For added flair, wear a top that is covered in baby puke.

Were you able to pick out my question? Pretty hard-hitting stuff, huh?

Mommy was Hit by a Boobie Truck

2010-05-06T09:04:00.004-04:00

Sorry we've been MIA. Where to begin? Mommy Chick is down and out with something called mastitis. So she pretty much lays in her bed and sleeps. She says it feels like a truck hit her. And she has a fever. Don't worry, she's on antibiotics so we're hoping to be back to normal in a few days.

My Gigi has been here working for me while MC lays around like a possum. I kind of like this mastitis thing, because the doctor told her to sleep and feed me as much as possible. So I'm playing a very important role in recovery.

Much like a queen, Gigi ferries me back and forth to the milk bar every few hours. I could get used to this.

I've been working on a lot of stuff lately, like growing hair and saying "Da da." I have video of all of this, but am hesitant to make MC work too much today.

We'll try to update tomorrow.

My Parents are So Rude

2010-04-28T08:27:00.003-04:00

Not only are they rude, but they have the cajones to capture their rudeness on video tape. I'm quite certain I could use this video as some sort of evidence when I call the Never Wake a Sleeping Baby Police and get them put in You Woke a Sleeping Baby Jail.

Isn't that the rule? Never Wake a Sleeping Baby? That's what I thought, but Mommy Chick and Daddy Dude clearly did not get the memo. They've been all in a tizzy because I changed my bedtime. I'm getting older, so I like to watch prime time TV, then I need to catch the first block of the local news. That put me hitting the Baby Hay around 11:15 for a few nights.

So I heard them laying in their bed, frantically plotting the end of my late bedtime.

Here is Phase One of their plan. By the way, MC doesn't always sound like a man. She's been sick, so it gives a nice, husky/nasal tone to her voice. Sexy.

Even my Big Brown Dog is a part of the conspiracy. But I have a plan of my own. Last night I slept from 9:30 until 8:15. I'll do that for a few more nights, you know, lull them into a false sense of victory. Then I'll sneak attack by demanding to watch late night infomercials.

I'm starting to get a little hair, so I need to learn all about the Bump It.

My New Career

2010-04-27T08:36:00.004-04:00

Here I am in the radio studio laying some tracks. Is that even the right terminology? I'm not sure. Mommy Chick teaches TV at a local broadcast school, but I'm considering going into radio instead. That way, I can pretty much wear whatever I want and I won't be required to make my hair all puffy.

Here I am wearing one of my little Carter's get ups. I love their sunsuits because they are super cute and most of them are around $10 or less. When I got home from the studio, I actually had an epic poopslosion.

MC questioned even attempting to save this outfit. She did, but had we opted to toss it, it wouldn't have been all that tragic.

We saw this interesting link. Have you ever wanted to dress like a TV news anchor? Me neither, but if you know someone who does, pass this along to them: TV News Closet.

It's where you can buy all the stuff you favorite news anchors have cast aside. We were perusing, and there are actually some great deals. So if you are looking to expand your professional wardrobe, take a gander!

Baby Einstein Exercauser!

2010-04-23T09:34:00.003-04:00

Swimsuit season is upon us, so in honor of Fergalicious, I'm "workin' on my fitness." While on vaycay, my new love John Carter let me try out his exercauser. Delicious and fun!

So imagine my delight last night when my Gigi bought me my very own Baby Einstein Exercauser! Gigi is for sure one of my very best employees. Not only does she hang with me on the days Mommy Chick works, but she pretty much does whatever I tell her to. One time, she let me drink 15 ounces of boobie milk in less than three hours! I like to refer to that as "The Best Day Ever."

The Baby Einstein exercauser is $79 and worth every penny. As MC's boss, I generally disapprove of time-wasting activities like showering or cleaning. But when she insists, this will keep me safe and occupied.

I Want a Pool!

2010-04-22T09:05:00.001-04:00

In my fantasies, I have a glorious pool with a waterfall. Throw in some mojito-flavored boobie milk and a Gay Pool Boy (preferably one who wears a sassy mule), and I'd say life is just about perfect.

When Mommy Chick and Daddy Dude found out I was stowing away in her tummy, they started talking about finding a new house. We live in a super cute Old Florida bungalow deal. It actually belonged to my great-grandparents. MC thinks sometimes they come visit me from the other side. She thinks that because weird things happen, like my swing turns itself on and I like to talk to air. All sorts of freaky stuff like that has always happened to MC, and maybe one day I'll let her do a guest post to tell you all about it.

Anyway, that's my really long-winded way of telling you that we have not found a new house and I'd say we will probably be in our bungalow for another year or so. Our pool-less bungalow, that is.

So MC and I are entertaining the idea of a little baby pool for me. The problem is that my Big Brown Dog will probably dive in and pop it. And by "probably," I really mean "definitely."

I was reading Allyson and Dave yesterday and she mentioned this fabulous whale pool from Pottery Barn Kids. It even has a blow hole! You can have your very own whale for $59.

I am resisting telling you that it looks like a whale of a good time. That would be cheesy and I frown upon cheese. It makes me toot.

Babies and Chiropractic: Watch Me Get Adjusted!

2010-04-21T11:21:00.010-04:00

I think I've mentioned before that Daddy Dude is a chiropractor. And sometimes when we suggest to other Monkey Baby parents that they take their spawn to a chiro, people act like we've suggested they sacrifice a goat over their kid (do you like that? goat? kid? get it?). Speaking of goats, I met some really funny ones last week.

Back to chiropractic and Monkey Babies. It probably does seem wacky if you don't know how it's done. People are all like, "Oh no, my baby is too little to be cracked."

Here's the deal. I am not an egg. I mean, I guess I was at one time, but then I got fertilized. That turned me into an embryo, right? I'm not so good at biology. Then I became a fetus and then a Monkey Baby.

So since I'm no longer an egg, it would be inappropriate to crack me.

Did you know that babies who have regular chiro care often have fewer ear infections, less colic and are generally more attractive? OK, I made up that last one. Well I didn't completely make it up, but I just don't have any studies at the moment to back up my claim.

Just for you, I decided to go undercover as a patient at DD's practice. I always get adjusted before I fly so that my ears don't get all freaky deaky on the plane. I do get kind of ticked because I HATE being held still. I'm a Monkey on the Move!

I wore my unisex pants in hopes of being incognito, but I think DD still recognized me.

BTW...I'm a much better patient than Mommy Chick, who is completely embarrassing. She shrieks things like, "This is worse than labor," and "You are killing me."

So don't be fooled. She's running the camera, giggling at me all smug, like she just loves to get adjusted. It's an act, I tell you.

I'm going for a cranial-sacra l tune up on Friday. I'll tell you about that next week.

Don't worry. I'll get back to fashion and fun products tomorrow. I'm not going to go all crazy-educational on you. That's what Elmo is for.

Weird Dogs with Horns

2010-04-21T08:21:00.003-04:00

So I had a lot of firsts while on my glamorous vacation to Louisville, Kentucky. I rocked my first photo shoot with my two fabulous cousins, I used a sippy cup for the first time, and I met these funny looking dog-like creatures with horns!

Mommy Chick and I spent a few days at my Nana's and Papa's house. It's the same house where MC lived when she was a little Monkey Girl. It looks like any other middle-class suburban 'hood. But it's not!

We went for a walk one night, and right behind one of the houses, we stumbled upon a pond.

Look who lives there! MC said these are called goats. I might get her one for Mother's Day. I think Daddy Dude will really like that idea.

Look how fast the goat moves his Pretty Goat Lips. I'm going to practice that technique for drinking boobie milk.

So according to my Nana, the city brings in these goats to eat the grass around a retention pond. I think that is the height of laziness and probably requires more effort than just mowing the lawn.

But it's a lot more fun feeding goats than visiting city workers, so I won't complain.

I'm Baaaacccckkkk!

2010-04-20T12:11:00.002-04:00

Did you miss me? I hope so. It has been a whirlwind last few weeks and I've been on a bit of a hiatus. Mommy Chick and I went to visit our peeps in Kentucky. The trip was fabulous. You know what's not fabulous? No wifi.

MC and I went totally white trash and were sitting against walls of my Auntie Dill's house trying to steal wifi from her neighbors. Allegedly. If I say allegedly, then that can't serve as a confession and I can't go to Internet prison.

Here are some of the highlights from my trip. I had a big photo shoot with my two cousins, Banana and Noodle. Do you think we look alike? Banana calls my blog my "blob."

I really like this next photo because I am the star.

You'll notice I am starting to get some hair. The styling possibilities are now endless.

I also met my new boyfriend, John Carter. He is MC's BFF's baby. He is a month older than me, and I love that he is confident enough to rock a Flock of Seagulls 'do.

MC captured our first meeting on video. He has never seen another baby exactly his age. Check it out, he woke up from a nap and found me in his living room.

Do you think I seem too into him? As I was posting this, I noticed MC calls me by my other name in this video. It must be a nickname because she mostly calls me "Monkey" or "Mae Mae."

Tomorrow I'll share some other highlights, including goats!

BTW...I am seven months old today! Yay me!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T18:29:00.001-04:00

Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.

I Am Confused

2010-03-31T08:00:00.002-04:00

Dear Fake White Bunny,

I really feel like I can talk to you. Some of Mommy Chick's friends saw this picture and thought you were real. And that you might bite my face. I know my cheeks look delicious. You may be made of polyester, Fake White Bunny, but you are real to me.

Help me understand why Pamela Anderson was in the bottom two on Dancing with the Stars. Oh, sorry. You haven't watched it on your Tivo yet? Perhaps I should have issued a spoiler alert.

I guess I just don't know what the world is coming to when Kate Gosslin scores higher than Pam. Pam is a friend of the chicken. I bet you like little baby chicks, don't you, Fake White Bunny?

I have to go. Daddy Dude just got a Wii fit and is running in place on a little board. It is making me uncomfortable.

See you this Sunday, Fake White Bunny.

Love,

Monkey Mae

Dancing with the Stars

2010-03-30T13:11:00.000-04:00

Do you watch Dancing with the Stars? I love it. As you know, I'm a bit of a fancy dancer myself.

My favorite is Pamela Anderson. She speaks to me. Saturday Daddy Dude called us and asked us if we wanted anything from KFC:

DD: "Hey, do you want anything from KFC?"
Mommy Chick: "No, I don't eat KFC. Pamela Anderson told me not to."
DD: "How about some grilled chicken?"
MC: "I think we need to listen to Pam."

This is Pam from last week. You know what I love? Her hair has a giant tangle, but somehow it works for her. I'm pretty sure that style only looks good on her, so do not try this at home. I cannot wait to have enough hair to wear tangled. Just looking at her doing the Cha Cha Cha makes me thirsty.

You know who doesn't speak to me? Kate Gosslin. I know, her ex-hubby is all douchey

running around in his Ed Hardy gear and I really appreciate her tummy tuck. BUT her

extensions make my eyes bleed. BLEED I tell you. And oh yeah, she's not a very good

dancer.

Who do you think will be eliminated first?

Chicco Crib Toy and All Night Party

2010-03-29T10:39:00.000-04:00

Mommy Chick and I are dragging today. Maybe we have a case of "the Mondays." I always hear people say that, but am not really sure what it means. I wonder if we need a nasal swab for a definitive diagnosis.

Anyway, I've been sleeping in my beautiful crib like a big girl. MC and I loved co-sleeping. She likes sniffing my head while I sleep, which I think is totally creepy. Can you imagine waking up to someone inhaling your aroma? Weird, but worth it to have access to the all-night buffet.

Anyway, MC's Gay Mother-in-Law (my Fairy Godfather's Mommy) worked for me one night while MC and Daddy Dude went on a hot date. When they came home, Grandma Jean was chillaxin'. MC asked where I was, and she said, in her Boston accent, "She's in her crib. Where else would she be?"

Thank god someone finally figured out that I'd like a little "me time" and room to stretch my long legs. And I've slept in there all night every night since.

Until last night.

Around midnight, MC and DD heard a concerto. I was playing my piano. In my sleep. With my head.

Normally, I love to compose on my Chicco Sleep and Play toy. It allows me to express my creativity, while MC indulges in life's finer things, like peeing or unloading the dishwasher.

But it scared me last night in the dark, so MC moved me into her bed for the night, where just like old times, I binged like Meredith Baxter Birney in a bad Lifetime movie.

So we are tired. And looking forward to our own space tonight.

Happy Monday.

Celebrity Encounter

2010-03-28T10:38:00.000-04:00

Look who came to my house today!

Elmo is one of my very favorite actors. I really enjoy his range. At first, I was afraid he was some sort of Ninja Elmo Impersonator, so I body slammed him. Don't worry, he's OK and forgives me. You really can't be too careful these days.

Had I known an international superstar would be waiting for me this morning, I would have changed out of my lounge wear. I usually have an "in between jammies and real outfit outfit" that I wear for breakfast and the resulting post-meal spew.

This morning I'm chilling in a basic Carters onesie. If you buy more than $50 on their website, they'll ship it to you free. We like free.

See that big brown thing behind me? That's Rusty. He's a type of dog called a Lab. I'm pretty sure that's a very exotic breed, so don't feel bad if you've never heard of it.

Anyway, I will rent him to you. Even when I'm screaming and inconsolable, if Mommy Chick sits me near Rusty, I stop crying and laugh.

He is simple, but I love him and his Big Brown Head.

Looking For My Loot

2010-03-27T10:07:00.000-04:00

Did that "no mail on Saturday thing" go through?

My New Tooth and Sophie the Giraffe

2010-03-26T10:30:00.000-04:00

Do you have your tickets...to the GUN SHOW? I learned that joke from Daddy Dude. Mommy Chick used to fall for it all the time and get all excited thinking that NSync was planning a reunion tour. I've got a million more, so stick around.

MC was trying to snap a pic of my new tooth. But it is shy, so I cover it with my tongue every time she tries to see it. I'm going to use a Crest White Strip on it before I release photographs.

I'm planning to grow some more teeth, so MC needs to get her act together with cool stuff for me to chew. See that washcloth? I like to chew it after it's been in the freezer.

But I think this looks even more fun! It's Sophie the Giraffe and I want to bite her face off!

Here's what Sophie's manufacturer says about her:

Sight: The dark and contrasting spots all over Sophie the Giraffe's body provide visual stimulation and make her easily recognizable to baby. She soon becomes a familiar and reassuring objet. Hearing: Her squeaker keeps baby amused, stimulates his hearings, and helps him to understand the link between cause and effect. Taste: Sophie the Giraffe is very flexible and has lots of parts for baby to chew like ears, horns, legs. She is perfect for soothing baby's sore gums when teething and is completely safe. Made of 100% natural rubber and food paint. Touch: Sophie the Giraffe is perfect for baby's small hands. She is very light and her long legs and neck are easy for baby to grip. She is very soft to touch, just like baby's mummy, stimulating soothing physiological and emotional responses. Smell: The singular scent of natural rubber from Have tree makes Sophie the Giraffe very special and easy for your child to identify amid all his other toys. Phthalates and BPA free.

Did you see that it says "stimulates his hearings to help him understand cause and effect"? Cause: You didn't hire a copy editor. Effect: I am laughing at you and your "hearings."

Anyway, Sophie comes highly recommended from my little baby friend, Genevieve. She is very sophisticated and lives in NYC, so I'm thinking that Sophie must be the "it" teether.

I'll let you know how it works for my next Tooth Growing Event.

Ergo Carriers on Sale

2010-03-25T17:11:00.000-04:00

Mommy Chick and I LOVE our Ergo! That's not us in the picture, but I'm certain we look just as cute and happy strolling through the park in ours.

So we wanted to let you know that today only, Baby Stealz has them on sale! The pink one is $60.50 and the black one is $70.50.

I think you'd look nice with either print. The best part about the Ergo is that your Monkey Baby can ride in it up 'til 40 pounds. So at the rate I'm growing, mine should last me at least through the weekend.

You can do a front carry, back carry or hip carry. Instructional videos are on Ergo's website.

I'm Growing Teeth!

2010-03-25T11:28:00.000-04:00

I'm a little late posting this morning. I'm working on a pretty big project: growing teeth. I figure the only benefit of staying toothless is that I could be interviewed on the news. Toothlessness is requirement for being an eyewitness to a tornado. So is being shirtless. I've been practicing saying, "It sounded like a freight train."

"We didn't have any warning," is also a good one.

So I'm taking teething pretty seriously and as a result, I'm a little hopped up on Hyland's Teething Tablets. They give me 'roid rage so instead of blogging, I've been bossing Mommy Chick around.

I'm also enjoying my IQ Baby Buzzr. It's pretty yummy. Not only does it vibrate, but it plays music, too. It is one of Monkey Mae's Must Haves. You can have one of your very own for $14.99.

Here I am in action this morning. You'll see that I do indeed know that my name is Monkey. I have another name they call me sometimes, but it must just be a nickname.

Do you love my outfit? It's by Carters. MC and I paid $9.99 for it at Macy's last week, but just discovered it is on sale for $8 on the Carters website. You're welcome.

I'm off to take a nap now, then boss MC around at the park. Ignore her cries for help, she likes it.

I'll Invite You to Zulily!

2010-03-24T12:15:00.009-04:00

So today is the best day ever! First, I went for my six-month check up and I'm still Super Model Tall at 27.5". That means I'm taller than 95% of the other Monkey Babies my age. Yay, boobie milk!

Just when I thought things couldn't get any more exciting, I checked my email and had an invitation to Zulily! I hadn't heard of it and thought maybe you had not either. So here's the deal. It's an online store that is free to join. They have daily deals up to 70% off for mommy and baby, including clothing and home items.

Today they have these adorable Shoo Foo shoes for $17.99. They are originally $27.95. I heart them. Regular shoes just kind of fall off my Fred Flinstone feet, but I think these might actually work.

For mommies, we stumbled upon this super cute Bow Sleep Tank. It's originally $98, but today you can get it for $39.99. I guess that sounds a lot cheaper than $40, even though it's not.

If you want me to send you an invitation, email me at monkeymaesays@gmail.com. If you join and buy something, I'll get a $10 credit. I thought I should tell you that so you don't think I'm trying to pull a fast one on you. Then you can join and invite all your friends. And they can invite all their friends. See?

If you join, we can be Zulily secret-club friends and talk about all our fabulous finds...and our large credit card bills.

Wordless Wednesday: Burpin' Bath Time!

2010-03-24T09:07:00.002-04:00

Freaky Supernatural Experience

2010-03-22T18:54:00.001-04:00

So I had a photo shoot yesterday. I was doing my best Kim Kardashian Carl's Jr. impersonation when Mommy Chick captured freaky glowing eyes stalking me!

(Photo: Carl's Jr./Kim Kardashian)

I'm so sending this into a ghost hunting show. My favorite is the one with the British lady who cries at any hint of a ghost...or Big Brown Dog.

Drool Bandanas

2010-03-22T10:12:00.000-04:00

So I have a little bit of a situation happening here. Lately I've been drooling. A lot. At first, I thought it was simply a reaction to Mommy Chick's obsessive viewing of JT's new video. There are lots of shots of cupcakes and cherries.

And, BTW, this video proves that 80's fashion is back in full swing. Why else would JT being wearing that jazzy little white jacket, reminiscent of the Members Only look? MC knew a gay who used to wear a Member's Only Jacket in the late 90s. We say an Unfashionable Gay is a waste of DNA.

Anyway, we finally figured out that I'm growing some teeth. That is completely awesome, because soon I can chew at the boobie buffet. That will be fun for everyone!

So MC is in this little club, where she talks to other mommies on the internet. That's where she learned about this: Drool Bandanas! Look how cool this little dude looks, rockin' flames!

Drool bandanas are $9.99 and you can choose from about 50 different fabrics. I personally will skip the "en fuego" look. If you click here, you can check out the clearance fabrics, which will save you 25%.

A Baby Party and Rare Editions Clothing!

2010-03-21T09:09:00.005-04:00

I celebrated my half-birthday with a big party! Ok, so it wasn't really a party for me. It was a Hypnobirthing reunion! Hypnobirthing is the technique Mommy Chick and I used to get me to "the outside." Busting out of a womb is a lot of work, but we loved Hypno. If you do it, your mommy won't even have to get that big needle stuck in her spine, so you should check it out.

Anyway...here were all are! I'm on the left in pink and green! Sunday is to my right. She and I wear our hair almost exactly the same. It's very Mia Farrow in Rosemary's baby.

Brock is next to Sunday. He is the oldest and kind of like the Hef of our group. He dates us all.

Reese is next to him. She is the youngest and hasn't had to have any botox yet.

That's Katelyn chillin' by Reese. I know she has hair extensions but won't admit it.

This photo is from our "Hypnobirthing Babies Gone Wild" calendar shoot. All proceeds will go straight to MC's "Buy a New Stroller and a Bunch of Other Frivolous Stuff" fund. Calendars are $300 each.

Here is a behind the scenes video. I will also sell you a director's cut of this. I was really trying to give a little something different in each frame. Watch us go!

In case you're wondering what I'm wearing, it's a little Rare Editions outfit. MC tried to find the exact one online, but we couldn't. We scored this one on sale for $10. Most of their outfits are regularly around $25-$35! Super fab!

I also rarely leave home with out my Trumpette Maryjane Socks. They are always a crowd pleaser and you totally need some.

I'm Six Months Old Today!

2010-03-20T10:34:00.000-04:00

Happy Half Birthday to me! Did you get me a present? I'd really like a weave and a bit of lipgloss. Just email me for my shipping address.

Here are some of my current interests: blowing spit bubbles, eating my own fingers, growing teeth, squealing at my Big Brown Dog, reading about Tiger Woods scandal, and being the boss of Mommy Chick.

Here we are leaving the hospital. I was hiding my face because all the paparazzi was in a competition to get the first photo of me. That's my Juicy diaper bag just tossed on the bench.

And here I am just a few days ago!

In Big Six-Month Old News, I have slept all night in my own crib for the last three nights. For my next stunt, I will drive a car and go to college.

Enjoy celebrating my Half-Birthday Weekend, everyone!

Gap Friends and Family Sale

2010-03-19T12:25:00.000-04:00

Mommy Chick and I need to dash out to Baby Gap! The Friends and Family Sale is happening through Sunday. That means you get 30% off your swag. You need a cute little card, but I bet if you sashay in to the store and ask for one, they'll give it to you. That's what we did. You can also use the card at Old Navy and Banana Republic.

I am seriously in love with this little romper. It's $27. If I could do math, I would tell you what 30% off is, but I can't so figure it out yourself.

I like this for the men in my life. It's $25 and again, you are on your own with the math.

I tried on these silver ballet flats earlier this week. They are $17 and I still may get them, despite a bit of a cankle situation.

Let me know if you score any good deals!

I'm Releasing Text Messages, Too!

2010-03-19T10:43:00.000-04:00

So everyone seems to be abuzz about Tiger Wood's alleged (that's a fancy word that news people use so they won't get sued) mistress Joslyn James. She made a website where she released purported (another "don't sue us" word) text messages from Tiger.

One of them is about him peeing on her. I peed on Mommy Chick's Juicy robe last night, so I have no idea why that's such a big deal. Maybe Joslyn (and MC) should learn to put the new diaper under the old one while doing a change.

Anyway, I'm hoping to increase my traffic, so I stole MC's phone and am releasing text messages from Daddy Dude.

DD, if you are reading this, I will remove these only if you produce the Maclaren Baby Juicy Stroller by midnight Sunday. And MC needs some Tory Burch flats for the park. I think you'll make the right choice. (BTW, these flats are pre-order only right now)

Like Joslyn, we are omitting our response to these texts:

"About to walk out the door. See you soon."

"It'll be 7:30 before I'm done tonight."

"How are my girls today?"

"Don't open the edamame."

"I have to run a VD errand. Be back soon."

"Did you download the gorilla video?"

"Easy with the threats."

"I was preoccupied with Ms. Thang."

Yesterday Joslyn's site crashed from so much traffic, so I apologize in advance if I crash Google with this post. Hopefully MC and I will be at the park next week with our new loot.

Weird Stuff at the Mall

2010-03-18T10:56:00.000-04:00

So Mommy Chick and I met up with my two baby friends at the mall. We like to cruise around, drink Starbucks, and occasionally scream in the food court.

But things took a really weird turn. I'm not sure what happened, but I think I might be in a gang or something now. Some sort of mafia has taken over the back of the food court. We approached, and their leader gave me the OK to join him on his thrown.

I hesitated about even telling you this, because I know you won't believe me. The Gang Leader was rabbit in a vest. He did not speak.

For my initiation, I sat in a basket. This is a blurry picture MC sneaked on her cell phone.

Freaky, huh? Things got even more strange. While MC was talking to one of The GodRabbit's mignons, I was whisked away to another level of initiation where weird creatures sat on my toes.

I know all of this seems far-fetched, that's why I'm showing you pictures.

Let me know if you've ever heard of anything like this.

My New Friend is a Big Show Off

2010-03-17T09:40:00.006-04:00

This is my new friend Sophia. I know, you're probably ovulating right now just looking at her. I haven't actually met her yet, but I bet when I do I'll discover that she uses hairpieces. But I'm not bitter.

Look how smug she is, all posed on a stack of bath towels. She's looking right into that camera, with her dainty bow, mocking my rose-bush-like hair accessories.

We love Sophia's wings. If you'd like some wings for yourself or your Monkey Baby, check out Dream Angels. They have adult, child and baby wings, so you can be a matching Angel Family.

I'm going to go apply Rogaine now.

Welcome to the world Sophia! We love you!

JCPenney, Who Knew?

2010-03-16T06:59:00.013-04:00

Mommy Chick started the day super early today. She has a job later this morning, so woke up early to prepare. I didn't want her to be lonely, so I got up, too! I'm helping her by planting myself at the boobie buffet. Things like learning lines and blow drying hair are overrated.

Anyway...MC's job today is a little video for a website. The Website Owner People asked her to wear a black suit. During Nesting '09, MC gave more than 50 suits to Dress for Success. MC used to wear a suit for work everyday. I'm her boss now and of course do not require a suit. Still, I have no idea why she purged all her black jackets. She blames hormones.

So I suggested she call Jennifer from Another Online Mom. Jennifer is a complete budge-fashion guru and we knew she could help.

She promised we'd find a cute, affordable black jacket at JCPenney.

You know what? She was right!

MC has not been inside a JCPenney since posing for a family portrait in 1982. I've actually never been there. But we spied some super cute stuff!

MC got this jacket for today in black. It was on sale for $40.

We took a quick stroll through the store for you, and found some cute trendy pieces as well. We love maxi dresses. At first, MC thought this one was a little "Mrs. Roper-ish," but the more we look at it, the more we like it.

We also scouted new arrivals at Baby Gap for you. I'll be back later to highlight some of our fav's and tell you about a cool sale they have coming up later this week!

Find Your Very Own FabuGay!

2010-03-15T12:43:00.013-04:00

As I told you Friday, it's super important to have a Gay Husband (GH). That's Mommy Chick with her GH. They went on a hot date Saturday night. MC is wearing Lucky Brand jeans and a flowy little Ann Taylor Loft top that skates over the sausage I left around her waist.

You'll notice MC's hair is in a high pony. It was down and loose, until her Non-Gay Husband (NGH) made a near fatal mistake: "What's wrong with your hair?"

The warning sirens that resulted jolted me from my nap: Danger! Abort the Mission! Danger!

Let me reiterate such maneuvers should never be attempted by a NGH, especially one sporting random blades of grass on his face from the golf course.

That is why you must get a GH!

You're probably wondering where on earth to find an appropriate GH. Before we get to that, you need to know what type of GH will be a match. There's nothing worse than a GH divorce. Thankfully Mommy Chick chose wisely and has not experienced this.

I'm young, so I'm still looking for a GH. I'd like one who enjoys fashion, but won't be too judgy-pants about my lack of hair. A good compromise might be a GH who would help me really rock my semi-bald head with some fabulous accessories.

MC and I have broken the GH into a few subcategories. Once you identify your type, it'll be easier to determine where you will find him:

The Fashionista GH:

Enjoys clothing & accessories; appreciates properly fitting garments; religiously visits salons and often uses haircolor; subcategories include The Pageant GH and Celebrity Gossip GH

2. The Fitness GH

Hobbies include spinning and high-intensity training; Often utilizes calorie-counter app on iPhone; Avoid the subcategory Manorexic GH.

3. The Artsy GH

Includes acting and singing GH's; The type will judge your singing in the car. Often seen car dancing at stoplights.

4. The Butch GH

Also known as the "Is He Really Gay or Just Metro GH"; a nice option if you like outdoorsy events.

5. The Foodie GH

Enjoys fine dining, cooking, wine and trips to Whole Foods. Knows how to make a mean roux. I would like a roux in my bottle.

Tomorrow I'll tell you where to find some of these GH's, and how to meet them without looking desperado.

My Essie Winners!

2010-03-15T10:14:00.005-04:00

Yes, I said winners! Since I love you so much and my last giveaway went unclaimed, I decided to giveaway two Essie spring sets! Winners were chosen by random.org.

Congrats to Shima from Giveaway Addiction and Joey from Big Teeth and Clouds. I can't wait to get big teeth. It will add an element of excitement and drama to my boobie buffet trips.

Mommy Chick is shipping your swag directly from Essie and soon as she gets your digits. Wait, that means phone number, right? I was trying to be urban, but I don't know what the urban term for "address" is. Sigh.

MC will contact you and you can also send me a MonkeyGram at monkeymaesays@gmail.com.

Tick Tock, People!

2010-03-14T21:07:00.002-04:00

You still have a few more hours to enter my Essie giveaway!

I'll announce the winner sometime tomorrow morning. I really don't know how this whole time-change thing is going to affect my sleep, so don't get all crazy if I don't have the winner posted by 9 a.m. I'll get to it.

Monkey's Honor!

Enter My Giveaway!

2010-03-13T10:01:00.004-05:00

What do you have planned this weekend? Mommy Chick and I are going to do a little shopping this afternoon. I'm super excited to be going to a birthday party tomorrow for Tom Tom, who is one of the stars over at Another Online Mom. I'm not sure what to buy such an older, distinguished gentleman. He is turning three.

Don't forget to enter my Essie Giveaway! You will look so glam in their new spring colors.

Mommy Chick is so excited because she is going on a date with her Gay Husband tonight. Do you have a GH? Make sure you read my post about why you must get one...

Or you could just watch this hysterical video. MC watches this all the time. I am so tired of it.

You Need a Gay Husband

2010-03-12T11:18:00.008-05:00

Happy Friday! Don't forget to enter my Essie giveaway. It closes Sunday. I really want you to win.

So today Mommy Chick received an interesting message in her Facebook inbox titled "Gay Husband?"

The body read: "Just curious. lol"

"Lol" means "laugh out loud." MC had to explain that to me. I thought maybe it was some sort of judgement about MC and me spending so much time lolling around on our ba-donk-a-donks, googling Adam Lambert and Justin Timberlake. Lol.

See? I totally used it correctly. I am already a comic genius.

So apparently some of you are unaware of the necessity for a Gay Husband. I am young, but am already on the look out for a FGA at the park.

FGA=Future Gay of America.

The duties of a Gay Husband (GH) include, but are not limited to:

1. If for any reason, your Non-Gay Husband (NGH) refuses to attend any event, like Wicked or Phantom of the Opera, the GH shall attend.

2. If you look fat, the GH will gently advise a wardrobe change. Such a maneuver should NEVER been attempted by the NGH. Death could result.

3. Should you visit a sub-par hairstylist, the GH must tell you that "Your hair looks awful and everyone is talking about it." (Yes, this happened to MC)

4. The GH must engage in mindless gossip, while agreeing with you. Expect phrases such as, "She's stupid, AND I hate her hair."

See? You totally have to get one. Gay Husbands are The New Black. The thought that some of you don't have a GH makes me a little sad.

So...I'm making it my Monkey Baby Mission to help you! I obviously have some extra time, since I don't have to worry about blow-drying or flat ironing my bald head.

So next week, I'm blessing you with another series:

How to Find Your Very Own FabuGay!

I'm blowing spit bubbles in excitement.

From the Diaper Bag: Dear Monkey Mae

2010-03-11T08:37:00.003-05:00

Thanks to those of you who have sent me Monkey Grams! I love having Mommy Chick read your emails to me.

Here is our first "From the Diaper Bag" feature:

Dear Monkey Mae,
Here is a shout out to all the short, wide people who don't want to wear Mom Jeans. I wear the Curvy Boot Cut from Ann Taylor Loft. They are cute and affordable at $59.50.

I love your blog and think Bald is the New Black.

Jill

Dear Jill,
Thanks for the suggestion. We love the jeans and give our blessing for you to wear them with pride.

I apologize for adding that last line to your letter. Perhaps next time you will realize the importance of complimenting me and I won't have to make up stuff.

Love,
Monkey Mae

P.S. I am sorry you are short and wide. Did I mention I'm in the 95% for weight and 50% for height? Sorry about your luck.

Bubbles...No, Not MJ's Chimp

2010-03-10T15:43:00.000-05:00

This is what I do when Mommy Chick pitches a stupid idea for our blog.

Blogoversary-Essie Giveaway

2010-03-10T10:08:00.011-05:00

Wow...time flies when you lay around all the time and have someone wait on you. I just happened to glance at the calendar, and realized it is my Four Month Blogoversary!

Since you crazy chicks (and a few gay men)

went nuts over my last Essie giveaway, Mommy Chick and I decided to make you fight it out over the Spring Collection Mini 4 Piece. You'll get Pop Art Pink, Lilacism, Tart Decho, and Red Nouveau.

Here are the rules:

1. I'm ending this party at 11:59 p.m. EDT Sunday March 14th.

2. The winner will be selected by random.org and

announced Monday March 15th.

3. Winner must claim the goods within three days, or we go to the first runner-up (first loser as we call it)

4. For one entry, leave a comment. Make it something saucy.

5. For two entries, become a follower or tell us if you already are.

6. For three entries, link to this on your blog or Facebook.

7. No PO Boxes. MC will have it shipped directly from Essie and we don't need any drama.

Got it? Our last Essie winner never claimed the goods and it

made me cry. So don't do that, or I will find you and spit-up in your mouth. I'm dying to do it to someone, so it might as well be you.

While you're at it, you should totally make your friends follow me. You know why? Because when I get to 200 followers, I'm going to give away somethi

ng really fabulous, like maybe our 12-year old bulimic cat who has a deformed ear and questionable breath.

And oh yeah, those of you who read me but don't officially follow. I can see you. So become a follower, too.

So it's in your best interest to have all your hip friends follow us.

Thanks for playing with me for four whole months!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-10T08:46:00.002-05:00

Normally I prefer milk straight from the tap, but I thought you'd like to see my new trick!

River Dance!

2010-03-09T15:37:00.005-05:00

I'm working on a little something for you for St. Patty's Day. Take a look at the best 17 seconds of your day:

I was getting a little distracted because I was watching TV. I just couldn't take my eyes off Molly marrying that douche Jason.

I think it's fun to make a grown man with a doctorate degree sing in a high pitched voice. You'll notice I had to shield my ear at one point. Making Daddy Dude act funny is My Greatest Talent.

Mommy Chick Gets Lucky!

2010-03-09T09:50:00.000-05:00

Jeans, that is. What did you think I meant? My brain is not yet developed enough to really understand innuendo.

Thank goodness MC knows I am The Boss of Her. Apparently she closely followed my series last week, From Frump to FabuMommy. So yesterday we ventured to Lucky Brand Jeans.

Look how happy Lorraine and Carlos are! Meeting a world famous fashion blogger was a pretty big deal for them. I took my stuffed Piglet along for moral support. I needed it when MC kept word vomiting that she "isn't normally this size." Carlos can't take his eyes off me. His hair fascinates me. I think I'd like to puke in it.

Once we got past the chorus of "kill me's" MC shouted from the dressing room, I approved two pair of jeans for purchase.

The Sweet and Low...

And the Classic Rider...

Bite the bullet and go get some new jeans. Your ba-donk-a-donk will thank you.

I have to go rehearse my River Dancing now.

You'll see.

I'm Really Slow

2010-03-08T16:09:00.000-05:00

You have to cut me some slack. I'm pretty new at blogging (heck, I'm new to living), so I was a bit late discovering that I received a blog award!

You like me, you really like me!

Simply a Mom gave us a Beautiful Blogger Award! Yay! Thank you so much! Your kindness makes me drool even more than normal.

You should pop over and visit her. She has quite the Fab-Not-Frump design working for her!

Now I get to pass on the award. But apparently there are some rules. I'm afraid if I don't follow them, I'll end up in Blog Prison, writing for someone who thinks there is an "x" in escape.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank and link the person that gave you the award.
2. Pass this award onto 15 bloggers you’ve recently discovered and think are fantastic.
3. Contact the winners and let them know they’ve won.
4. State 7 things about yourself

Drumroll Please. I love reading these blogs and you will, too! I just know it!

1. Coloring Outside the Lines
2. Big Teeth and Clouds
3. Over the Homespun Hedge
4. Martinis or Diaper Genies
5. Ode to Motherhood
6. Stylestance
7. The Glamorous Life of a Housewife
8. The McMommy Chronicles
9. You Have How Many Kids?
10. Another Online Mom
11. Allyson and Dave
12. Mom of 3 Dolls
13. Under the Golden Apple Tree
14. Thirty Something Style
15. Life in the Bat Cave

And seven things about me:
1. I am now 5 1/2 months old.
2. I enjoying sporting a tightly-cropped peach fuzz 'do.
3. I am now 28" tall.
4. I have rolls on my thighs.
5. I recently learned to blow bubbles using my very own spit!
6. I am the only human child in my family.
7. I have four furry brothers.

Thanks again, Simply a Mom, for our very first, fabulous blog award!

Did I take too long for my acceptance speech? Is there music playing right now...telling me to get my diapered bootie off the stage?

See you tomorrow. I'll be telling you all about dragging Mommy Chick out to buy some new jeans. It was exhausting.

From Frump to FabuMommy! Active Wear!

2010-03-08T09:26:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday! Mommy Chick and I are so excited about the fabulous weather today. We typically go to the park on Mondays. I'll probably try out that swing thing again today.

We like to look casual chic at the park, so we often sport active wear. Sometimes we call it "work out wear," but that seems silly if we aren't actually sweating.

So how do you look hip rather than frump in your active wear? I think it all comes down to footwear. I don't personally have a lot of shoes yet, since I can't actually walk. I mainly stick to socks.

But, you don't want to be like Britney at the Gas Station, so you need to wear shoes. Check out this look from Lucky Brand. And again, notice the feet. The model is wearing yoga pants. But, she pairs them with cute sandals and a sassy denim jacket. You can shop this look here. The pants are $59.50.

You can also do a legging with a cute little ballet flat, like this:

MC and I love all things sparkly. She covets Mystique sandals. These little flip flops will jazz up any pair of yoga pants. They are $135. You can order them online. We think Neiman Marcus used to carry them in their stores, but couldn't find them on their website. Let us know if you find them In Real Life.

That wraps up my series! If you'd like to know more about any of our topics, leave it in the comments. I've gotten some interesting reader mail I'll be sharing.

Two words, people: Knee Socks.

We'll be talking about that toward the end of the week.

Can We Join Your Mommy Group?

2010-03-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

I hope you've had a great weekend. I've practiced my modeling a lot lately. Tyra says you should really get to know your face by posing in front of the mirror.

I call this one, "Whatchoo Talkin' About Willis?"

And that was my reaction when Mommy Chick told me she's on the hunt for a Mommy Baby group for us. I mean, I think it would be pretty cool to meet some more babies. They could probably teach me how to puke into MC's mouth. I've gotten close, but clearly my technique is lacking.

So MC showed me the application she sent to one group. The group sounds like a good fit for us...the mommies like natural childbirth, boobie buffets, snuggling with babies all night, and those doctors like Daddy Dude.

I was pretty excited until she read to me what she listed as her interests: reading, writing, blogging (way to take credit for my hobby, lady), natural childbirth, attachment parenting (I know, it all sounds pretty good, huh).

Then I saw the final "interest" on her list:

Being Fabulous

Do you think think that is an appropriate interest for a Mommy Group and would you approve our membership?

No Meat Pie For You!

2010-03-06T07:00:00.000-05:00

So have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? Mommy Chick seems to be doing that a lot lately. She says it's because she is tired, but I'm really not sure why she isn't sleeping much.

Here is the misdirected text. It was meant for Daddy Dude. My comments are in parenthesis.

"We're having rotissified (is this even a word?) chicken for dinner. I tried to be all fancy and cut it like you do, but failed (I prefer mine pureed). Tomorrow you shall have meat pie (ugh, gross)."

Imagine Arnie the Hair Guru's surprise when he learned he'd be forced to eat "meat pie."

BTW, this is how awesome MC is. Apparently the mommy of DD's first wife used to make it, and MC is nice enough to give it a whirl.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Wardrobe Malfunction

2010-03-05T07:00:00.002-05:00

Can you please call Justin Timberlake or Janet Jackson? I need help handling this PR nightmare.

Mommy Chick and I dashed out to run some errands (that's what she calls going to Starbucks) and this is what happened! It's like some sort of weird fraternity ritual, driving around blindfolded. Next she is going to make me chug boobie milk through a funnel, I just know it.

To her credit, I started out pretty cute. I was actually quite jazzed about my ensemble: a basic white onesie, Carters striped pants, Baby Gap vest, and custom-made hat.

For the record, I advise against most of you (including MC) wearing horizontally-striped pants.

What's the worst warbrobe malfunction you've ever had?

From Frump to FabuMommy! Our Fav Jeans

2010-03-04T17:18:00.000-05:00

I trust that you now know whether or not you are wearing Mom Jeans. I started to say "rocking" Mom Jeans, but realized that is an oxymoron. Yes, I'm five months old and know some pretty big words. Impressive for someone who poops in her pants, huh?

Here are my top three jeans for you to try. I promise you will look hot, and who knows, maybe it will lead to yet another Monkey Baby. Wink wink.

This is the America Eagle Outfitter Favorite Boyfriend Jean. Mommy Chick first tried AEO jeans in 2006 after In Style Magazine raved about them. We like...and your budget will, too, at $29.50.

We also like the Lucky Brand Lola Bootleg. I am biased because MC tried to get Daddy Dude to name me Lola. That was nixed, then she moved on to Harlow. Obviously neither won, and I'm now Monkey. Anyway, the Lola is $99.

If you feel like investing a bit more in your jeans, try Joe's Jeans Honey Cut. MC read that Beyonce loves these, so you know they're good. And look at that model. She so does not look like a frump. I dare you to stand like that on the playground. And if you send me a picture of it, I'll find a prize for you.

Happy shopping! Let us know how amazing you look in your new dungarees. I'm practicing being elderly by using words like that. Next, I'll refer to the couch as a davenport.

From Frump to FabuMommy! Step Away From the Mom Jeans

2010-03-04T10:21:00.000-05:00

I get it, you don't have much time for yourself anymore. Trust me, I hear Mommy Chick and her friends blabbering about this all the time, and trying to blame me. That's why I've made it my mission to help you with From Frump to FabuMommy! You can see the rest of my series here, here, here, and here. Whew, that was a lot of linking.

Today, we're talking Mom Jeans! Here's a hint: If you don't know what Mom Jeans are, then you are probably wearing some right now. I haven't actually done a study on this, but I hypothesize that the process of evicting a Monkey Baby from your tummy causes some mommies to unknowingly sabotage their own appearance.

I want you to go to a mirror right now. Ok, turn around at look at your butt. Mine is cute and tiny and soft.

Add one point for every inch your waistband comes above your natural waist
Add three points if there is elastic of any kind on the waistband
Add two points for a tummy control panel
Add one point if you can see your socks
Add two points if your back pockets start within three inches of your waistband
Add two points if the leg is tapered, but you are not in a skinny jean (or MC Hammer pants)
Get under your bed and do not come out if you are wearing maternity jeans more than eight weeks post partum (three extra weeks if you had a c-section)

How did you do? If you have a score of three or more, then you are wearing Mom Jeans. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

And lucky for you, MC and I love to read other blogs. One of our fav's is Grasping For Objectivity in My Subjective Life. It is super funny. Thank goodness I was wearing a diaper when I read Rachel's post on Mom Jeans. Otherwise, I would have peed on the Boppy.

This is perhaps the most in-depth investigation of this phenomena I have witnessed in my five months on Earth. The only thing missing is a black light, or maybe Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC popping out of the dressing room.

If you are a visual learner like me (I love Baby Einstein), then I think this will drive the point home. Rachel obviously wants to help us, because she posted pictures like the one below. That is true selflessness.

Grasping For Objectivity in My Subjective Life

So put on your Pampers, go here, and prepare to hit the mall.

I'll see you later today with our recommendations for Non-Mom Jeans in every budget.

From Frump to FabuMommy! Dressing the Part

2010-03-03T08:52:00.001-05:00

Are you loving my series? I do hope you are looking more and more fabulous by the day. If you haven't already, make sure to check out The Three Minute Face, as well as Part 1 and Part 2 of my visit from the Hair Guru.

So you are wearing appropriately glossed lips and a stylin' ponytail. But you just ruined the whole package by putting on sweats two sizes too big!

My logic skills are not yet fully developed. However, I do kind of follow your reasoning. Mommy Chick is obviously trying to give me body issues already, because I overhear her telling her friends she "feels fat." Dr. Phil says mommies should not talk about weight in front of their Bald Monkey Babies, so I hope she knocks it off before I start talking out loud.

As usual, I digress. You "feel fat" so you try to hide it with large clothes. Congratulations! You just added bulk to your body!

MC used to be the Queen of Wearing Clothes Too Big For Her. Thank goodness My Fairy Godfather pointed it out to her. He is an Entertainment Manager at this really big park that features rodents. He is also a Big Deal pageant/modeling coach and loves to do wardrobe consultations. He has also danced with Christina Aguilera. Even more impressive, he used to dance inside a Barney costume. Knowing the inner workings of the "industry" has really robbed me of my childhood.

Here we are after a Gay Chorus concert. MC and I don't sing. We are not allowed. (BTW...MC is wearing the Three Minute Face here. I am wearing The Annoyed Get Me the Heck Out of Here Face).

So here are My Fairy Godfather's Top 5 Wardrobe Commandments:

Wear clothes that fit and actually touch your body.
Remember, the size tag is on the inside, so don't worry if you don't like the number.
Always wear earrings. It gives a more polished look. (You might have a Bald Monkey Baby who likes to pull earrings, so just wear studs. That's what MC does now.)
Buy basic pieces and add fabulous accessories, like a cute belt or pair of leopard print shoes.
No Mom Jeans!

Remember, it takes the same amount of time to slide into unflattering clothes as it does to slip into something sassy!

So how do you know if you're wearing Mom Jeans? MC and I found the most AMAZING Mom Jean tutorial. We will share it with you tomorrow and will also tell you how to look super cute in work out wear.

Vintage is Delicious

2010-03-03T07:00:00.001-05:00

I love to combine old and new! Check out this yummy little green ensemble. The cardigan is vintage. Not only is it chic, but it is tasty, too. I also have a yellow one. They were gifts for Mommy Chick when she was a Bald Monkey Baby! Actually, she wasn't bald. She had hair like Adam Lambert. See...I have photographic evidence. Keep your comments about my Nana's stylin' plaid couch to yourself.

I've paired my vintage cardigan with cute little yoga pants and a matching top from The Children's Place. They are on sale for $5 right now and come in oodles of fun colors! I picked up three pair yesterday and consider them a nice basic for my day wear collection. I wouldn't wear them to dinner with Kim Kardashian should I be invited, but they are perfect for casual events.

Here's how they look in action at the park. I'm kind of getting the hang of this swing thing. Notice how the bell sleeves of my sweater catch the wind, just like an Olympic ski jumper, or whatever they are called.

I will give you fair warning, however, that you might be mistaken for a boy in this outfit. A nice lady stopped MC today and exclaimed, "He (sic) so handsome!" I guess that is better than the "Hey big fella," I got a few weeks ago.

From Frump to FabuMommy: A Visit From the Hair Guru Part 2

2010-03-02T16:01:00.001-05:00

Is your ponytail appropriately positioned? If you're not sure, check out Part 1 of A Visit From the Hair Guru. I would hate for you to be running around looking all Martina Navratilova and not know it.

Arnie Owens, Hair Guru to Many FabuMommies, is back to discuss the foundation of your FabuHair: cut and color. I anticipate needing a haircut sometime in 2012. You will probably need one sooner. Mommy Chick gets some trim action about every eight weeks.

MC would love to go more often, but apparently it is illegal to crate me with boobie milk in one of those hamster bottles. So she needs to maximize the life of her cut. You can, too!

"So many factors such as length, texture (fine, medium, coarse), curly, wavey, or straight hair, and density (thin, normal, or thick hair). In general, I think that a cut with a nominal amount of layering and texturizing would be the most flattering and last the longest." Arnie says.

Notice what he didn't say is the most flattering.

"I think the Mom Bob is the biggest hair mistake I seem women make."

I am offering this old school pic of MC, circa 2003, as an example of a Mom-ish bob. She is the one on the right. If your hair is shaped like a bell, then it might be a Mom Bob. This is right after MC began growing out her hair because my Fairy Godfather told her to. She will be embarrassed that I showed you this. BTW, that baby is my friend, Brendan, who is BFF's with Patrick Dempsey.

;

This next part is for you with the all one-shade yellow hair and weirdly-spaced highlights. I'm only five months old, but I can totally tell you do your own color. I know Beyonce prances around on TV talking about her multi-prismatic hair, but I'll bet my "ring on it" that Beyonce has never colored her own hair.

And neither should you. Arnie says if you can't afford professional hair color, then you are going to the wrong salon.

"Seriously, professional hair color can be cost effective if the client communicates clearly with the stylist what they are looking for as far as color and maintenance, and they need to listen when the stylist gives them options. Hair color comes in some many different forms that a good stylist can find a color and color technique for almost every client."

For example, MC only gets full color two or three times a year. In between, Arnie gives her either a partial foil or this magical little thing called "breaking the base." It's very cost effective and keeps her blondalicious, the way God and Vidal Sassoon intended.

Do you have a question for Arnie? Leave it in the comments.

From Frump to FabuMommy: A Visit From the Hair Guru!

2010-03-02T08:50:00.000-05:00

Have you ever set your hair on fire? Mommy Chick sent her locks up in flames less than a month before her fabulous Hawaiian wedding! She still gets a little defensive about it, so I'm not completely clear on all the details.

But the gist is, she was practicing making big tousled waves. So naturally she cranked her curling iron up to 500 degrees. And oh yeah, she then blasted an alcohol-based spray onto her hair. Ooops.

Anyway, my point is that this could have been a big, fat crisis. I mean she burned off a huge chunk of her sweepy bang, and the flames (yes, actual flames) left behind orange stripes. But it wasn't a crisis because MC has the most amazing hair guru! He erased all traces of her Tony the Tiger hair!

And today the amazing Arnie Owens is our very special guest star! I was a little afraid he would judge me because I am bald and therefore decline my request. You can learn all about Arnie here.

Yesterday we talked about the Three Minute Face. So today, Arnie tells us how you have great hair with limited time.

So if you only have 10 minutes to spend, what should you do?

"Do something to keep it from being frizzy like adding a light spray of shine spray or a small drop of gloss drops. If you have bangs of any sort, blowdry and style them."

We all know mommies dig ponytails, and MC is no exception. First, it's quick. Second, it makes it harder for me to pull or puke in. So how do you make it sassy rather than gym teacher-esque?

"Consider running a very large barrel curling iron through the pony tail, it will smooth it and gives the ends just a little bend. Keep the sides and top soft looking by using a working hairspray versus a hard hold spray," Arnie says.

He adds that a ponytail should never be lower than the occipital bone. So shoot for the middle of your head. And skip the bobby pins holding in stray pieces. He actually shuddered when I asked him that.

So why no low ponytail?

"Have you ever seen Barbie in a low ponytail?" he asks.

Coming up later today, Arnie tells us how to find the best cut and why you can afford professional hair color.

From Frump to FabuMommy: Three Minute Face!

2010-03-01T15:51:00.000-05:00

I am such a lucky Bald Monkey Baby! Today we have our first ever special guest star on Monkey Mae Says! It's kind of like how Charo was always a guest star on The Love Boat, except we promise today's guest star will not say "cuchi cuchi."

We're happy Mr. George T. Reed joins us to chat about make up and putting your best face forward! Mommy Chick met Georgie back when she used to get paid to talk on TV. In fact, one of the first things George ever said to MC was, "Gal, you need to darken your eyebrows."

George works with the Miss America Organization. Here is a little snapshot for you. He is on the far right. He's there with Miss Kentucky, who was fourth runner-up this year. George painted her for the pageant. That's my Auntie Cocoa, Ericka Dunlap, Miss Amercia 2004. George also does her face.

Now I totally get that you don't want to walk around all red-lipped and fake lashed in the pick up line at pre-school. So here's the deal...take THREE MINUTES and make yourself look fab.

"Just put a light crease in your eye, swipe on two coats of mascara, darken your brows a bit and finish with a sheer lip gloss," George says.

What should you avoid?

"I see moms running around in way too many frosted eye colors," says George.

Got that? Ix-nay on the ost-fray.

If you want to get all crazy and take an extra 20 seconds, use a nice dual finish powder. Lancome makes a great one. MC has used it for about 15 years. Sometimes I lick her face and it doesn't taste too bad.

Here are a few other products we like. Clinique makes a pretty eyeshadow trio for $22. MC uses Blushing Nude. Milani makes the dreamiest lipgloss you will ever taste wear. And is super cheap. You can order online or buy it at a drugstore. Seriously, it's amazing and is only $3.49. Think of all the extra money you can put in your monkey's college fund (or plastic surgery fund...we're not judging)!

And drum roll please...this, George says, is the product every mommy must have: Maybelline Great Lash.

MC is not a proponent of the Cry it Out method, but does let me fuss so she can have time to do her face. Here's a little something George wants you to ponder if you claim you can't spare three minutes for yourself.

"Do you really have time to go through life looking like a mess?"

Tomorrow we talk hair and we'll find out what type of ponytail Barbie would never wear (and neither should you).

From Frump to FabuMommy!

2010-03-01T09:55:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday! I'm celebrating the beginning of March with a series: From Frump to FabuMommy. Way back when I lived in MC's big, round belly, I would eavesdrop on all of her conversations. You would not believe some of the stuff I heard! I could write several series based on that alone.

But what I really noticed is that women who already had babies on the outside would tell MC how she would stop looking fabulous after I came out. They'd say things like:

"Enjoy going to the salon now, because you'll never go again after you have your baby."
"You'll probably cut your hair short soon because it's so much easier."
"You should try doing your own highlights because it saves time and money."

You know what I say to all of that? It takes just as much time to look like poo as it does to look fab. I know some of you probably don't believe me. That's why I've interviewed a team of experts!

Coming up later today, I will tell you how to do your face in three minutes. That's right, three minutes. So stick your monkey in it's crate crib and get to glossing those lips!

If you have a specific question about hair, make up or wardrobe, leave it in the comments and I'll send a Monkeygram to my experts.

See you soon.

Why, Shiloh, Why?

2010-02-26T16:29:00.000-05:00

Literacy is super important to Mommy Chick. That's why she is very diligent about reading to me. Today as we were reading TMZ, we got a glimpse of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. I. Am. Sad. She now has late 1990's newscaster hair. Sigh.

I do think she has the most beautiful little face of any celebrity monkey, so if anyone can work a Katie Couric 'do, it is Shiloh.

Check out the pix and let me know what you think. If I ever get hair, should I get this cut?

Swimwear and How a Snickers Bar Betrayed Us

2010-02-26T10:09:00.001-05:00

You would think it is February or something because it is frigid here in the Sunshine State again today. So we are doing therapy by envisioning our alabaster skin glistening on the beach. Although I imagine it is hard to achieve "glistening" when you are covered in thick, white SPF 274.

Since I plan to grow quite a bit during swimsuit season, I will purchase at least two suits. Yesterday I showed you my pick for a one piece. I also want to rock a bikini. I'm working on a new skill...sitting up. So far, I can get to a 45-degree angle and hold it for several seconds. You can imagine this has given me some pretty impressive abs.

Mommy Chick is also working on her fitness. However, I have a tip for her. When telling your personal trainer how well you've been eating, make sure a Snickers wrapper doesn't fall out of your pocket. Yes, this happened this morning.

So I'm probably the only one of us who will be wearing a bikini, and this is my favorite one. It is by Kate Mack. It doesn't come in my size, but all you toddler bathing beauties need to get this STAT! That means right now! It is $54.

I need a cute cover-up to go with my variety of suits, so this one looks like a winner. It is the Baby Tamalyn Cover Up by Ralph Lauren. You can get one for $35. I won't be mad if you get one. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Mommy Chick's favorite cover up is by Diane von Furstenburg. We think DVF is a genius for inventing the wrap dress way back in the day. This cover up is equally fabulous. It's $245.

Here's a super cute option, without the DVF price tag. It's La Blanca by Rod Beattie and is $65. I think the color will look pretty by the ocean.

We hope you stay warm this weekend. Make sure to visit us next week because I'm writing a series on how to look fab even while juggling a small monkey! I think you will LOVE it!

Baby and Mommy Swimsuits!

2010-02-25T10:42:00.000-05:00

I'm so annoyed. It is cold again! Maybe not cold to a lot of you, but I am a native Floridian, and temps in the 40's are simply unacceptable.

So Mommy Chick and I are thinking warm thoughts and planning our swimwear for spring. We are thinking about doing a little beach weekend in April. We haven't shared this with Daddy Dude yet, but we're sure he'll go for it.

I have a couple of options I like for myself. Fortunately, I am long and lean so any style will work. Did I mention I'm in the 95% for height and 50th for weight? Put some rhinestone wings on me and call me Giselle!

This is by Juicy and it's $58. The ruffles are good for adding a little to the bust line.

A little friend in MC's mommy group just got these rockin' shades by Baby Banz. I like black. They are classic and will work with any swimsuit. They have a little strap so I won't have to worry about constantly adjusting them, which would definitely cut down on the chic factor. You can look cool, too. for $20.

MC says the idea of wearing a swimsuit makes her want to play in traffic. I don't know what that means.

Although we still have a few months before our beach debut, she's pretty sure she'll be sporting a tankini or one piece, at least for the first part of the season.

Here is a hip tankini by Shoshanna. The top is $145 and the bottoms are $58. Remember when Shoshanna was like 12 years old and dating Jerry Seinfeld? Me neither, because I wasn't born yet.

Tomorrow we'll talk about bikini's and cover-ups, although unless the Plastic Surgery Fairy visits, I'm pretty sure only one of us will be wearing a bikini.

We've Been Sick. Yuck.

2010-02-22T14:55:00.000-05:00

Mommy Chick and I have been down and out with a respiratory virus. The Monkey Baby Doctor originally thought I had RSV, so they stuck a big cotton swab in my nose and stole some boogers. I guess they mailed the boogies somewhere where some person with a really crappy job looked at them. The good news is that I don't have RSV.

I'm feeling quite a bit better. MC is still not feeling so hot. She should totally put some boobie milk in her coffee, because I really think it helped me get better faster.

Anyway, we made you a video as a peace offering for us having been away for a few days.

Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.

Fake Eyelashes!

2010-02-18T07:00:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty impressed with the way my eyelashes are growing. When I first transitioned to the outside, I didn't have any lashes at all! Mommy Chick accused me of being a trichotillomaniac in-utero.

Then I started seeing all these commercials with Brooke Shields laughing, and dancing, and drinking wine, all because she has great eyelashes. So I ordered some Latisse and it's really doing the trick. The website says it has some interesting side effects, like darkening of the iris. And it seems like just about every drug these days causes anal leakage. I for sure have that, but I don't think it is because of any drugs.

MC isn't as committed to her eyelashes as I am, so she uses fake ones. In fact, she glued on fake lashes the day before I was due to launch from her womb. She wore them for several days, but then was too tired to reapply them after they finally fell off. It was a nice effort though and I do appreciate that she wanted to look her best when we finally met.

You can find all sorts of super pricey fake lashes, and MC has tried them all. But you know where you can get the most fab lashes? At a drugstore! MC uses Ardell Fashion Lashes number 116. They are still lush without making you look like Snuffalufagus.

These are $3.49, but right now you can do a BOGO on Drugstore.com. That deal does include lash glue. But if you want to go hardcore lash diva, use weave bond. That's what drag queens do.

You're welcome.

I'm Sick. Try Elderberry.

2010-02-17T15:29:00.000-05:00

I am totally the Katie Couric of baby bloggers, taking you guys inside my health care. Well, not inside, literally, like Katie did, but close enough.

I have a bit of a cough, so that's me having the doctor listen to my breathing. Mommy Chick thinks the doctor is kind of hot. Do you know why? Because that is Daddy Dude! I bet I totally tricked you and you were hoping you were about to read about some sort of scandal. See, even when I'm sick, I have a sense of humor.

DD was checking me out to see if I should go see my Monkey Baby Doctor. DD is one of those doctors that moves around the bones in your back and neck. Weird, huh? Sometimes MC wishes he was a plastic surgeon, so she could go all tranny looking like Heidi Montag.

But instead of injecting botulism in our faces, we have straight spines and live holistically hopped up on herbs and vitamins. Our Monkey Baby Doctor is very holistic, too. So right now, I'm taking elderberry. Have you heard about it? I won't bore you, but it is great for kicking viral infections.

This is the kind I take. It's called Eldertussin Elderberry Syrup. It's $9.99 for four ounces and it tastes like dessert.

You can get other brands at natural health stores. Just make sure it does not have echinachea (so says the Monkey Baby Doctor). She says it can induce a “cytokine” storm (a domino affect of inflammatory hormones) that can make the illness worse. I hate storms.

And don't do what MC did. She didn't feel like going to the herb store to get our normal brand, so she grabbed some at the grocery store. We got home with it and realized it is 40% grain alcohol. Oops.

I'm off to rest now. MC is exhausting me between steaming me in the shower and vaporizing me with essential oils.

Oh, here's a little gem I'll leave you with this afternoon: I barfed on Piglet. I think he's mad at me now.

I Almost Know Adam Lambert!

2010-02-17T07:00:00.011-05:00

See that picture? I'm the one in the middle, under the blue, green and yellow maxi dress. I call it "lymon." That's Eugene on the left. He is a big TV star in Miami, but is irrelevant to this story. He's really handsome, though. Do you like Mommy Chick's bronze hoop earrings? If so, you can have them. I've issued a "no dangly earrings" policy. It's not so much a policy, I suppose, but rather an "if you don't want bloody ears from me ripping out your earrings" policy.

But back to the picture. On the right is Ron. He's kind of fabulous, huh?

Now scroll down and you will see just how fabulous he is...

He is Glambert fabulous! I am bitter with a capital B! Things like this only happen to Ron. He was out enjoying his glamourous NYC life when he runs into Adam Lambert and crew! I don't think I would be as jealous if Glambert were wearing an Old Navy hoodie and a Hair Cuttery 'do. But here he is, in all his smokey-eyed, flat-ironed glory. I even detect a subtle day gloss on his perfect lips. I also sense a bit of highlighter atop his cheek bone. Not that I've looked at this photo a million times, imagining myself snuggled up next to him.

There are so many things I would have shared with him, like how Mommy Chick cried when he lost American Idol, or how I don't see why making out with your keyboardist on TV is that big of a deal.

But really, I want to know where the heck he was in the crappy new "We Are the World" song. Really, Vince Vaughn is belting awkwardly in the back row, but no Adam Lambert? Really? No Lady Gaga? No Justin Timberlake?

And then, I would commend Glambert for observing my protocol and wearing a nice, stud earring and a necklace so inviting for teething.

Part 4 of 100 Things About Me

2010-02-16T12:00:00.001-05:00

How much do you love this series? Here is the final piece of the 100 Things About Me puzzle:

76. I have two feet.
77. I like to grab them.
78. My toes are so long that I could probably hang from trees by them.
79. My favorite tv show is Little Miss Perfect.
80. I met Mr. Michael while in Mommy Chick's tummy.
81. He offered to spray tan me for my hospital headshot.
82. I have two boyfriends.
83. One is older and one is younger.
84. I am a cougar.
85. I like boobies.
86. Someday I'm going to buy myself a big pair.
87. Genetics are not on my side to grow a big pair.
88. I have three stuffed animal Piglets.
89. I think Piglet is the most underrated Disney character.
90. That makes me angry.
91. I am the youngest member of my city's gay chorus.
92. MC and I are on their Board of Directors.
93. MC's wish for me is to grow up accepting of lifestyles different than my own.
94. Unless stupidity counts as a lifestyle.
95. I was in the hospital for 10 days after I was born with pneumonia.
96. I kicked its a$$ in about three days.
97. Now we really know each day is a gift.
98. We strive to live fabulously every day.
99. We love each other so much.
100. And we love that you take time to read our blog. Thank you!

Part 3 of 100 Things About Me

2010-02-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

More fascinating facts:

51. My favorite look is skinny jeans.
52. I have two pair.
53. I don't have eyebrows.
54. Or much hair.
55. My limited hair was light brown when I was born.
56. Now it is turning blonde.
57. I love big hair accessories.
58. I'm often mistaken for a boy.
59. I was even called "big guy" while wearing a pink shirt and bib.
60. Mommy Chick and I love Tori Spelling's kid clothing line.
61. We get mad when people say Tori Spelling is ugly.
62. I love to take baths.
63. I love to toot in my bath.
64. It turns the tub into a jacuzzi.
65. I'm happy my daddy makes money so MC can stay home with me and make milk.
66. Sometimes she threatens to go back to work and leave me.
67. I know she is bluffing.
68. MC used to have a job talking on TV.
69. Now she talks to me all day.
70. Sometimes I wish she would shut her trap.
71. I have a Fairy Godfather.
72. His name is Frank.
73. I have a Guncle.
74. His name is Chris.
75. He smells like coconuts.

Part 2 of 100 Things about Me!

2010-02-15T12:00:00.000-05:00

Here is the next installment of my riveting series:

26. My favorite actor is the green snake on Baby Einstein.

27. My favorite color is yellow.

28. I like to read Fancy Nancy books.

29. I am quite fancy myself.

30. My first concert was the Britney Circus tour.

31. I was still in utero.

32. I was at her famous "wardrobe malfunction" concert.

33. I also saw Kathy Griffin while in utero.

34. I poop in my pants.

35. At my four month appointment, I was 26 inches tall.

36. I like to call it 2'2".

37. That puts me in the 95th percentile for height.

38. I'm in the 50th percentile for weight.

39. I know you are jealous.

40. And I think that is OK.

41. My main food is boobie milk.

42. I eat real food, too.

43. Daddy Dude makes homemade organic baby food.

44. My favorites are sweet potatoes and apples.

45. When I spit up sweet potatoes, it is orange.

46. I like to spit up in Mommy Chick's hair.

47. She doesn't think it is funny.

48. I don't have any teeth.

49. But I have pretty pink gums.

50. I would like to get a diamond grill.

My 100th Post!

2010-02-15T07:00:00.001-05:00

Wow, I am amazed that my limited verbal skills have allowed me to be such a prolific blogger. In the spirit of my 100th post, here is Part 1 of 100 Things About Me!

1. I was born on 9/20/09 at 2:01 a.m.
2. Mommy Chick and I labored for 21 hours.
3. MC pushed for 2 1/2 hours.
4. I was face up, so had a little trouble slipping out the door.
5. We used Hypnobirthing.
6. Yeah, that means no epidural, no drugs, no nothing.
7. I believe drugs are for painful things, like plastic surgery, not for natural processes like birthing monkey babies.
8. My middle name, Mae, is after two of my great, great aunts and my great, great grandmother.
9. MC and Daddy Dude did not name me until I was about 12 hours old.
10. In addition to Monkey, the other names they liked were Victoria, Lila, and Landry.
11. MC begged to name me Harlow.
12. DD says Harlow is not a real name.
13. I say tell that to Nicole Richie.
14. When I lived in MC's tummy, I made her puke a lot.
15. The longest she went without hurling was 17 days.
16. She complained a lot, but I say be grateful for the 17 day puke vaycay.
17. I have two dogs.
18. The big brown one is my favorite.
19. I have two cats.
20. One weighs 23 pounds.
21. That is after his year-long diet.
22. When I was still on the inside, MC use to tell me Justin Timberlake was my father.
23. JT is not my father.
24. That's probably good, because he is very short.
25. And his hair genetics are not so great.

Valentine's Day, Juicy Stroller and Elin Woods

2010-02-14T07:00:00.002-05:00

This is my first V-Day on the outside. Last year at this time I was the size of a cumquat living in Mommy Chick's tummy.

MC and I went to the mall looking for Daddy Dude something fabulous. We love to shop in what we call the "gay section" of the Macys men's department. You know how we know it's the gay section?

This is how we know: skinny jeans and a canary yellow cardigan. DD would totally rock this Jonas Brothers look if MC wanted him to, but she tries to use her power for good, not evil.

We didn't go to just any mall...we went to the really fabulous mall. You know, the one that has all the luxury stores, but that is not even the best part. Not only is this the mall where Tiger Woods allegedly hooked up with pancake waitresses at the Blue Martini, but this is the mall where his beautiful wife, Elin, is often spotted shopping!

I was prepared to possibly run into her, and then she and MC would become best friends. I wore my little Trumpette Mary Jane Socks as to make a good first impression.

Anyway, Elin didn't get to meet us today. But you know what we did see? The Maclaren Juicy Couture stroller, live and in action! It had a real baby in it and everything. The baby was crying and clearly did not appreciate the glory in which his mother was pushing him.

Yep, him. It was a toddler boy zipping around the mall in this yummy, pink stroller. I'm so not judging, but I think the look would be complete with some skinny jeans and a little guyliner.

V-Day Spoiler Alert for Daddy Dude

2010-02-13T11:45:00.000-05:00

This is my present for Daddy Dude. If you know him, do not ruin his surprise. I did not run all over town dressed like Pepto Bismol for you to go and let the cat out of the bag. Got it?

Do you think he'll like it?

I like the flower on my head because it is subtle, kind of like good plastic surgery where instead of looking "pulled" you just look "rested."

Look What I Can Do!

2010-02-13T07:00:00.002-05:00

Snort like a piggy! Sometimes I do this when I am happy. And let me tell you, it is a real crowd pleaser. I would go as far to say that people go crazy when I do this.

I tried it out at home before I took it to the masses. You know what happened the first time I looked at Mommy Chick and snorted? She totally freaked out and thought I couldn't breathe. She whisked me onto my little couture changing table and shoved a boogie sucker up my nose. Imagine her surprise when it was a clean sweep.

Thank goodness Daddy Dude figured out that I was just snorting for fun. The best part is, now all the adults look like fools because they snort back at me.

I sense this may become a bit socially awkward for us all soon.

Dear Peg Perego

2010-02-12T07:00:00.002-05:00

Perhaps you have not heard of me. I am the Amazing Never Sleeping Baby. At just four months old, I can and do regularly stay awake for 12 or 13 hours. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a little power nap here and there, but that's it.

Mommy Chick and I have your Pliko P3 Travel System. MC isn't such a big fan. And this is Reason #428 why she doesn't love it:

This is a Tall Starbucks coffee. You're kidding me, right? That's what first graders drink. It barely fits into the cup holder. Do you really think 12 ounces of coffee is enough to fuel a sleep deprived Mommy? That's like one ounce for every hour I'm awake.

Please create a cup holder suitable for a Venti.

Respectfully Yours,

Monkey Mae

Keep Warm While Looking Fab!

2010-02-11T10:53:00.000-05:00

Don't judge me. I know most of you are digging out from 752 inches of snow. But I'm a native Floridian, and anything less than 60 degrees down here warrants an Action News investigation of "how to not die in the cold or murder your orange trees or accidentally freeze your dog to the sidewalk."

Yesterday Mommy Chick and I were hibernating in the house. We started getting a little stir crazy, so MC pulled up some fancy weather website to see if we would survive a walk. Even though she is a recovering meteorologist, she wasn't sure if conditions were safe.

So we called Auntie Dill, who lives in the land of sub-freezing wind chill indices.

MC: Do you think it's safe to take Monkey Mae out? The wind chill is 47.

AD: Really? We have seven inches of snow and below zero wind chill. I don't feel sorry for you.

So off we went, double layered. I'm wearing my Baby Gap sweater, similar to this one:

I finished off the look with a monkey fleece blanket, similar to this:

We had a super fab walk, until some old lady lectured MC about how I was going to get a runny nose from the cold. Floridians are such wimps.

Juicy Stroller Lust

2010-02-08T15:13:00.000-05:00

Today Mommy Chick and I went to Macro Baby. We decided to buy an Ergo carrier. Because I am Super Model Tall now, I'm having trouble visiting the boobie buffet in my current sling. Several fab mommies recommended the Ergo, so we'll give it a whirl and report back to you. We opted for chocolate brown to bring out my eyes. An added bonus is that our dog who sheds the most is brown, so maybe his fur can be incognito on this carrier.

Have I ever told you how much MC and I hate our stroller, uh, "travel system," I mean? I have learned so many colorful words listening to MC load and unload it from the car. Sometimes we leave the stroller on the porch after our walks, but so far, no one has taken the bait and stolen it.

I will give you a hint who makes our travel system: It starts with "p" and ends with "eg perego."

Since I am big enough to sit in a smaller stroller, we are looking at options. MC almost spewed her Starbucks when she feasted her eyes upon this beauty:

It is a Maclaren Baby Juicy stroller! Supposedly, I could chill in it until I reach 55 pounds. Here's the catch. It's $450. I'm thinking that might be a hard sell to Daddy Dude, especially since he wants to use our strollers for my future siblings. He hopes I have a brother someday, but MC and I want a girl named Harlow, so really, we can't afford not to get this stroller.

We owe it to Harlow.

Grammy Fashion, Britney and Kathy Griffin

2010-02-01T12:23:00.001-05:00

I managed to catch some of the Grammys last night. I'm kind of ticked that no one told me I'd needed 3d glasses for the Michael Jackson tribute. I tried to convince Daddy Dude to run to Target to get some, but that was a no go.

I imagine you have been eagerly awaiting my fashion wrap up. I have Baby Einstein on pause, so we'll make this quick. It's on my favorite scene right now, a picture of a big red apple.

Anyway, Britney, why do you break my heart? I'm not sure what this is. It appears to be a black onesie with a sheer burp cloth as a skirt.

Getty

I don't care what anyone says about Britney. I love her. I love her crazy. I lover her skinny. I love her bald. I love her fat. I am a true fan, so much so that I went to her Circus concert last February. I had only been in Mommy Chick's tummy about 14 weeks. MC sat in the arena, eating saltines and clutching a puke bag. But it was so worth it!

Wanna know why? We were at the concert. You know, the one where she had the wardrobe malfunction and said the P word when she thought her mic was off! After that, I had to grow up pretty fast.

Moving on, I think Kathy Griffin looked fabulous.

Getty

I also saw her live while in utero. I was so excited, I posed for a picture during the show. It's a bird's eye view of me in my seat. DD thought MC was laughing so hard that I might come out right there.

That's actually what MC was hoping for, because she knew that would be her ticket to appearing on the D-List. And then we would probably be invited to regulars on the show and eventually spin off into our own series. But looking back on it, stardom would probably suck, so I'm glad we can go to story time without the paparazzi.

Here She Is...Miss America!

2010-01-31T10:48:00.000-05:00

Congrats to our new Miss America, Miss Virginia, Caressa Cameron! I don't like to brag, but you'll see here that I predicted yesterday she would be in the top three. My first choice, Miss Kentucky, was fourth runner up. Some people call that "fourth loser." And by "some people," I mean Mommy Chick. I loved Miss Virginia, but I do think Miss Kentucky is still my fav.

I also predicted Miss New York would rank highly. But I don't think she bothered to show up last night, because she didn't even make the semi-finals. She must have had some sort of butt-glue emergency. Or maybe I got a bad tip.

MC is going to watch the pageant on Tivo today. Did you watch?

Miss America Night!

2010-01-30T16:42:00.000-05:00

I'm super excited to watch Miss America tonight. Mommy Chick is a little bummed. She and Daddy Dude are going on a date so she is Tivo-ing the pageant.

I'm hoping to catch a glimpse of my Auntie Cocoa on TV. She is in Las Vegas tonight because she was Miss America 2004. That seems like a really long time ago. Since I just recently met her, being that I have only be on the outside since September, MC found this clip on Youtube of Auntie Cocoa winning her sparkly crown. She sure did shriek and cry a lot.

She must have been really hungry, because that's what I do when I need to eat. And I'm guessing she probably didn't eat a whole lot leading up to the pageant, being that she had to wear a onesie during the swimsuit competition. Scratch that, the "lifestyle and fitness" competition.

Here are my top three fav's for tonight:

Kentucky
Virginia
New York

Will any of you be watching? It's OK to admit it. I won't tell anyone.

Look Chic at the Park

2010-01-29T15:55:00.000-05:00

Today is Piglet's fifth birthday. Mommy Chick suggested we go to the park to celebrate, which totally made no sense since we did not take Piglet with us. I guess his gift was enjoying some peace and quiet without some crazy lady dressing him up in little doggie Polo shirts.

I like to live on the edge, so I tried out that swing contraption they have. I'm kind of on the fence about. It seems fun in theory, but is a little weird. Maybe I'll try again soon.

If you look past my annoyed facial expression, you'll see I'm quite casual chic for our outing. I'm wearing a basic denim mini skirt over leggings. It's similar to this one, which you can get at Target for a $9.99. Since I consider this to be a very trendy piece, I don't want to invest a lot of money in it.

It's kind of embarrassing, but I often wear a bib, even when not eating. MC says I drool a lot. Today I'm wearing a Juicy Couture bib. You can get a pack of three for $40.

I can't wait until MC is old and in the home. I'm going to make her wear a bib and a diaper when I walk her around the park.

As Not Really My Father Justin Timberlake says, "what goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around."

She'll see.

Doggie Birthday Cakes

2010-01-28T09:21:00.000-05:00

My Ewok turns five tomorrow. That's 35 in human years, so I have no idea why he still lives with us and why he doesn't have a job. His main job seems to be licking lotion off my toes, which feels kind of cool.

This is Piglet when he was my age, about four or five months old, chilling on his little dog chaise. Now he is too big to fit on it, so we gave it to my grandma for her cats.

Mommy Chick usually orders Piglet a custom birthday cake. It takes about two weeks and they airbrush your dog's picture onto it! It's always a big crowd pleaser and pretty much confirms that MC is bit kookie. This year, she forgot to order it, but we haven't told Piglet yet.

This is what we usually get. It's from My Best Friend's Pet Treats. A 6" cake is $32.99. You can choose between peanut butter and carob-fudge. The icing is made from yogurt. And they must be delicious, because one year at Piglet's party, the dogs had to be separated during cake time because a small scuffle broke out.

MC is calling and ordering this today from Pookies Bow Wow Bakery. A small "pawty" cake is $13.99. It's banana cake with peanut butter icing and cream cheese piping. That sounds a heck of a lot better than those bland little organic flakes I've been getting lately.

For his actual gift, he'll probably get his favorite thing in the world: carrots. I already told MC that carrots will not fly on my birthday. I want cash money merchandise. And real monkeys at my party. And I want to arrive in a helicopter, just like on My Super Sweet Sixteen. I have eight months to plan, so let me know if you have any ideas.

I'm pretty sure MC will go for anything and once MC is on board, Daddy Dude is a slam dunk.

Burping in Style

2010-01-27T11:35:00.000-05:00

I burp like a drunk frat boy, and sometimes it is juicy. Most of the time, I like to aim for Mommy Chick's hair. However, after four months of this, she is getting wise to my ways.

I think her preference would be that I start acting like a proper lady and contain my burps. But since that probably won't happen anytime soon, we are on the hunt for diva-appropriate burp cloths. And I think we have a winner!

Look what we found at Maisey Mae. I have to admit I love the name of the store. It has a certain elegance and ring to it, don't you think? I was even more impressed when I looked at their burp clothes. Each cloth is made from six cloth diapers. That can hold a lot of "burp goo."

Maisy Mae was started by a mommy who's baby had bad reflux. She couldn't find fabulous yet absorbent burp cloths, so she made her own. And now she is some sort of burp cloth superstar. This is the Sweet Mary Janes design.

Here is the Designer personalization:

A bundle of three burp cloths is $42. Personalization is $6 per cloth. You can also get a snazzy little gift set, like this one. Look, the burp cloth has a cute little boat! It is $40.